Logged into Facebook today and saw something surprising.

All lined up in one list =.=

Well recently I read “Mars and Venus Together Forever” written by John Gray, the bestselling author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

Some interesting lessons distilled for the men:

1. When she is frustrated, avoid telling her “You take on too much”, “You shouldn’t be worrying about that”, “It’s not that bad”, “You expect too much of yourself”, “If you are going to complain about it, then just don’t do it”, If you don’t want to do it, then don’t”, “You don’t have to do so much.” Women hear different things though men mean well when they say it.
2. When she is talking or wants to talk, shut up and don’t offer advice or try to solve problems. When she needs to talk, you don’t need to talk. She solves her problems just by telling them to you, so it does not mean that the problem is unsolved if the men shut up. Even if she seems to be demanding for solutions, DON’T GIVE IT TO HER. She will be more upset with you and this makes matters worse. It is wrong for a man to think that by giving solutions they are making her feel better. Doing less, i.e. just listening, is better. When women share problems, sympathy and community are primary, problem solving is secondary. (Looking back, I remember some did indeed get more upset when I try to solve problems and offer solutions without thinking. Men are like that. So we have to rewire themselves. Listening is so important) The writer gave an example of a conversation. The woman did all the talking. All the guy did was say Oh, Tell me about it, Hmmm, What did you do?, Hmmm, That’s good, I don’t know either, Sounds good to me. And the woman was happy. What happens when a man tries to “solve” a woman’s problems: 1. She will claim that “You don’t understand” and “You are not listening.” (ooh, this sounds familiar) 2. He says that he certainly was listening otherwise he couldn’t have come up with suah a great solution. 3. She continues to insist that he’s not really listening to her and he doesn’t understand the problem. 4. He begins to feel frustrated and tries to prove that he does understand and that his solution is right. 5. Argue. “In simple terms, a man needs to remember that even when an overwhelmed woman shares a list of problems that demand solutions, the only one that has to be solved immediately is her need to be heard by someone who is not trying to talk her out of her feelings or solve all her problems.”
3. What a man really wants is to make his partner happy. When she is happy, he feels loved. Men and women are different. A man feels fulfilled when his partner is happy after a long day at work. A woman who returns home to a happy man does not feel fulfilled just because he is happy. She needs communication and nurturing.
4. Women cope with stress through sharing in nurturing relationships, men by solving problems.
5. (For women) Sometimes men need time alone to be by themselves and not bothered by women for a while. Especially after he just comes home from work. Otherwise the following happens: “How was your day?” “Fine” “How did your meeting go with your new client?” “It was OK.” “Did they like your proposal?” “Yes.” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong.” “I can tell something is wrong, what is it?” (says nothing and walks away) That’s why we always have dads who like to watch TV and read the newspapers. They use it as some sorta cave to hide in for a while.
6. When a woman is visibly upset, she means the opposite of what she says. Example- Men: Do you want to talk about something? Women: No (but she means Yes, and if men would really care he would ask more questions.) Men: Is everything OK? Women: Yes (but she really means No, so men have to ask more questions and probe further. The worse thing a man can do here is say “Oh OK then” and walk away.)
7. Doing more so that a woman will have less to do is not the answer to making her happy. “A man needs to remember that her overwhelming feelings are released only through nurturing conversation. Don’t make the mistake of expecting her to be happy by solving her problems.” (this, with No.2, which is essentially the same point, will make all the difference for better relationships, says the author.)
8. Men should duck answering a woman’s direct questions if they are provocative, turn the conversation back to her, and keep their responses to a minimum to draw her real feelings out. This is because “Why do you have to buy a new computer? You already have one,” really means “It feels that everything we do is for you and not me. We always do what you want to do, and you always get your way. I’m afraid I will not get what I want.” So “Honey, it’s the Macbook Air for goodness sake! Small and sleek!” is the wrong answer and you will end up fighting. The author says, “Generally speaking, when anyone, make or female, has a strong emotional reaction, it is to a combination of many elements, not just the subject at hand.” So after you have heard her out, then you can say, “This Macbook Air is at 30% discount! It is a great deal that I have been looking at for weeks!” Get her approval, then go “I understand what you want things for the house, so when we get home let’s look at it and plan. Sounds good?” Of course it does.
9. Does it mean men should not offer solutions at all? No. It is all in the timing. When she is upset she cannot appreciate your solutions. The art in offering solutions is to make sure that she is receptive to attempts to help. Women don’t demand agreement, she just wants to be considered. “A woman admires a man if he has the strength to control his emotions and the sensitivity to respectfully consider her point of view as a valid perspective.” This means men should not do whatever she wants and give in all the time, like saying “Oh OK honey, no computer for me then.” The author also says, “The worst move a man can make in discussions with a woman is to invalidate her feelings.” This is like saying, “What do you know about computers? Who are you to comment about computers? I studied computer engineering you know?!” So as a comedian once said, “Be a man, do the right thing.” No need to be right all the time. Do the right thing instead. The more a man says, the more there is for a woman to question, and the more upset the men become. But for women it is the opposite: the more a woman says, the more she feels heard. In essence, delay answering questions by asking more questions to make her talk more.
10. A woman’s feelings are not facts about the man. She is just trying on many emotional outfits (like the way she shops, she tries on many outfits and then walks out empty-handed but happy). Ooh, and unlike math, negative feelings in reaction to a woman’s negative feelings does not equal positive.
11. How to listen well: Remember that is doesn’t help to be upset with her for being upset. Whenever you feel the urgent need to interrupt or correct, DON’T. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. If she won’t talk, ask more questions till she does. Don’t correct or judge her feelings. Remain calm and lock our gut and strong reactions. (once you “burst out” even once, all your effort is wasted) The author says that during an emotional conversation, a man needs to offer gestures like nodding, hugging and making sympathetic sounds. Maintain eye contact.
12. “The basis of all romantic rituals is a male giving and a female receiving.”

This is getting too long and draggy. And I’m only halfway through the book. But enough food for thought here.

Men and women are very different!

It wasn’t an intended hiatus, but a hiatus it was indeed. I just happened to run out of blogging juice. Thankfully I am not addicted to blogging

So my church is having an upcoming youth conference and I am participating in some events:

1) IQ test a.k.a. “How Smart Are You?”
2) Preaching Challenge, preach for 5 minutes, culminating in an altar call (o.O)
3) Word Power Challenge (memorize 60 Bible verses, including punctuation, exactly as printed in NKJV)

Not to mention the upcoming outreach drama at Universiti Malaya this mid-July. I’m acting as the “good guy.” Come and watch yeah!

Also trying to plan a weekend getaway at Genting for my family, perhaps in mid-July too. Well, at least there are things to do for a guy who is now not working anymore in “preparation” for Berkeley.

——————–

Now to the intended topic.

So nowadays at this age of about 20 many of my friends and peers are concerned and wondering about the R word. At the back of their minds, at least. Myself included.

Relationships.

Yeah, the boy girl kind.

Well for me, it’s simple. Going overseas, no need to think about it. But oh, really?

Anyway, let’s explore what I think about it from a guy perspective and what advice I can give to guys:

1) Think commitment. Dating is not a sport. Dating should not be a fun and recreational thing. It should basically lead to a single goal: marriage. Yes, sounds odd given the way everyone is behaving these days. I wonder if most guys out there are even acting based on the premise of commitment, or just for fun to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. Don’t toy with a woman’s heart. Relationships which are not based on commitment are basically doomed to heart-ache and deep scars. The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. My pastor said, “Only a strong man can love the same woman over and over again for the rest of his life.”

2) Self-control. These days if I say that you should not kiss your girlfriend or get involved physically before getting married you would think that I am some bozo. But that is my advice, for any romantic act will eventually plunge you into something more serious, which may lead to unwanted consequences. Not to mention that it displeases God as well. And I’ve heard of the “if we don’t try, how would we actually know?” argument. Well, most relationships which are not based on commitment would fail. So if you get involved intimately before getting married, and the relationship fails, wouldn’t you regret that you have given so much of yourself away? We guys are to treat “older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”- 1 Timothy 5:2 (emphasis mine) Also, “guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”- Proverbs 4:23

3) Be the right one instead of finding the right one. We all know how birds of a feather flock together. If you work on being Mr Right instead of looking high and low for Ms Right, you would find that later on that all of a sudden Ms Rights are appearing around you admiring your Mr Right qualities. A guy who can cook is quite appealing. A guy who can save and be thrift sounds good. A guy who is healthy and doesn’t give himself to cigarettes is amazing too. So is a guy who is organized, punctual and meticulous. Also watch the attitudes. Perhaps it can start with the way you treat your own mother, since that is likely to be the way you treat your girl when you get used to her being around you all the time. Be Mr Right first. Why give your girl something less than perfect.

4) Look beyond the physical. Well which guy doesn’t want a pretty girlfriend? In every guy talk in the yum-cha sessions I go to, it seems that the only topic guys can talk about is this hot girl and that hot girl. It is important the we are also physically attracted to the girl we love, but the things which are seen are temporary, and God looks not at what man sees, for He looks at the heart. Place importance on the unseen qualities which would eventually affect your happiness together in the long term. How does she treat others? What are her beautiful inner qualities? Of course, no one is free from flaws, including us guys. Learn to accept them and stay committed to the same woman.

5) Independence. Here’s a good one from my pastor (and girls can use this line to deflect persistent guys): “You don’t even earn any money yet, and you are still getting allowances from your parents. How can you support me as a girlfriend?” Come on, guys. If we cannot support ourselves financially, how can we support a girl? And it really shouldn’t come from your parents’ allowance. How uncool. Another thing the pastor said the other day, no one in church is supposed to date before the age of 21. A good rule of thumb to make sure that we guys are actually mature enough to handle a relationship.

6) Direction and goal in life. When you commit yourself to a girl, you should have a path and direction set out ahead of you. Why do you want to lead the girl on aimlessly before you have even explored your own inner dreams? If the girl has a plan charted out for her (for example, to be a successful career woman) but you can’t even hold on to a job or cannot meet grade requirements in school, I think you should reconsider your intentions of getting a girlfriend for the sake of being in a relationship. We need logic in relationships too. Manage our own lives first before trying to get involved in the life of another girl.

7) Guys, take the lead. In relationships, guys lead and make the decisions. That does not mean that girls have no say at all, but it means that guys are accountable for the decisions made, and they make it clear that the girl’s opinions are valued. This has nothing to do with gender equality in these modern times, but rather it is the way men are wired by God. Men are inherently born to lead and they are equipped to do so in many ways. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”

8 ) Friendship first. I wonder how many later on can say that they married their best pals. I think many guys today tend to skip this phase of the relationship and jump right straight into the next level, which usually would not last. Friendship is one of the foundations of a relationship, the other being Christ. Now two weeks of friendship is perhaps not a right duration before moving on. You barely even know the person yet! If you did it might be images of her and not the real her! So take your time and observe her before taking the next move. And keep in mind the above points first before acting. But don’t need to rush it.

9) Ask God and trust in His timing! A relationship is ultimately for the glory of God and for His pleasure, not for our own satisfaction and selfish reasons! We need to ask God whether this person is really the one for us, and if not, ask Him to help us cope with the feelings. Pray and ask Him for patience and wisdom. Ask Him to open a path if it is not the season yet. Ask Him to help you plan and prepare your partner. Yes you can pray for her even if you don’t know who she is! Christ must be the center of the relationship, the point of reference, and the foundation of the relationship. Yeah you might have found that someone right now, but if the timing is not right, trust in God’s timing and place your hopes in God, not on yourselves.

10) Men, do the finding. Our sisters are by nature shy most of the time and would prefer it (I think) if the guys take the first move instead. Don’t leave them hanging. If you have done all of the above then why wait and wait? God may have someone in mind for you, but He is not going to tell you and give you a picture of a girl and say, “Hey, she’s the one.” No, guys have to do the finding! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”- Proverbs 18:22 (emphasis mine) Well, it might not always go as planned. Rejections may happen. But stay focused on the Lord you will obtain a favor from Him.

11) Are you really ready? I think that many guys overlook the commitment point when getting into a relationship. Are you really ready to be a husband and a father in the near future? Though these questions are early, I suggest that guys think about it before going into a relationship. I am definitely not ready at this point in time. So it is out of the question, given my studies overseas as well. Look. As I said, it isn’t supposed to be fun and carefree. A relationship should be a serious thing. The Bible has this advice for girls, but I think it applies to guys as well: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (Songs of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4)

Well for a guy who is rather young in age I have a lot to say off the cuff as seen above! Most of the points were only learnt and imprinted on my mind rather recently, through some mistakes at the same time too. I think there are many points which are left unexplored. But hey, feel free to comment, debate and discuss!!! I am waiting for your comments!

For Christian guys out there reading my blog, I recommend reading the following articles which I think models what the book of Ephesians is trying to tell the guys in the way they treat their girls (4 S):

The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 1) : Introduction
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 2) : A Love that is Sacrificial
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 3) : A Love that is Sanctifying
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 4) : A Love that is Sensitive
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 5) : A Love that is Symbolic

Another good resource: Boundless.org

The following poem, “A Woman’s Question” by Lena Lathrop, was published in the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Josh Harris. It reminds us guys that there are a lot demanded of us by girls.

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life-
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might as for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be as true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home.
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade.
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves.
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tied?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

After reading this poem, the effect on me is the same: It’s a daunting task ahead to prove myself to be worthy of someone’s love.