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By Ern Sheong | January 22, 2010
Thank you for the prayers. As it turned out, it was a sprain.
I am a Pharisee. I see it more and more in myself. I don’t know what Christianity really is, and sometimes I wish I had a “refresh” button that could help me unlearn all the misconceptions about it learnt as I grew up for 21 years. I don’t feel joy in serving. I am more like doing it for men’s applause, and for selfish reasons, to be seen as a good man. Yet the struggle that I feel inside tells me that all this is just a hoax. I don’t see the Gospel the way I should see it. I can’t even say “Jesus is everything to me”, or “Jesus is Lord” without feeling like I just told a big lie. Right now, Jesus is not everything to me, really. I don’t even know what being a Christian really is. I have answers, but they are not mine, they were fed to me through books and pulpits.
Matthew 13 kept on popping up again and again to me. Don’t know why. In Bible Study, in prayer meeting. God’s trying to tell me something. I don’t know what it means, the story of the pearl, the treasure in the field. I guess I sold something, but did not sell everything to get those treasures. I don’t even know what it means to sell everything. I don’t even know what treasure it is that I have found. I have all the intellectual and rhetorical answers, but they are not my answers. I just don’t get it. I am blind, and I want to see. But I just don’t know what to do..
There’s a winter retreat this weekend. So much work and revision to catch up, but I guess I’d go and listen, and try to find this pearl, this treasure. And see how much it’s really worth. And see whether “everything” is a good price to pay for it. Hopefully I would be like the man who sold everything “in his joy”.
Where is the joy? Why is this so burdensome, Lord? Isn’t your yoke easy and your burden light?
If it search doesn’t turn out too well, maybe I’d just abandon the search altogether. Live my own, selfish, sad life. Better than being a hypocrite.
If I die today I’d probably end up in hell for being a Pharisee. Please pray for me.
Topics: General | 2 Comments »
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Could be worse.
You’re actually pretty well-off, studying EECS at one of the best universities in the world and living in an exciting time for technological and social advancement.
I know I gave you a good deal of grief for your religiousness, but if your faith really isn’t making you as happy as you could be, you might consider stepping back from it for a bit until you figure things out. It’s really easy to get lost in coursework (a bit of an understatement with EECS) and the constant pressure is really stressful, but mental health really is important, so try hanging out with friends or some new activities — you may find that you really enjoy playing piano, baking cakes or something else entirely. You’ll forget how pointers work in C by the next winter break, but friends and hobbies will last you lifetime.
Anyways, good luck with your classes, and to quote Bobby McFerrin: “Don’t worry, be happy”
– Zach
January 25th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
hey zac,
i appreciate the concern and the advice that you have for me. yes, i agree that all these things as coursework and academic ain’t as important as relationships. i am thankful for the reminder. yet at the same time i realize that man is really made to have joy in God, and with that same joy we can love others around us, and enjoy those friendships. so yeah painful as it is i need to set some issues right first..
jonathan