« Do you really believe that what you believe is really true? | Home | The heavens declare the glory of God »
Thoughts
By Ern Sheong | July 2, 2009
Today (yesterday at time of writing) was my first day on the job as Lab Assistant for CS61CL MTWTh 5-7p lab (unpaid, but I get 1 unit course credit and experience which could prove useful for TA-ing in the future, I hope). I must say that it was pretty intense. I recall in my CS61A lab 2 semesters ago the Lab Assistant was practically chilling during the entire lab, sitting around doing her own stuff. But today I found myself on my feet the whole time, rushing from student to student, checking people off and handling all sorts of queries. My brain had never worked so hard processing code in so little time. It’s like people expect me to look at their code and start making sense of it within moments. Fortunately, though I did not know everything, my job was mainly to help students jog their minds and think for themselves, as sometimes all they need is someone to think aloud to and stand next to them, and after I utter some feedback they mostly respond with “Oh yeah, I got it!” So teaching or rather just assisting in lab is pretty challenging; it keeps you on your toes and one has to be ahead of the material.
I took this class last semester, so that’s why I was able to work in the lab. It ended with one crazy final, which was so tough I left so many blank. I spoke with my previous semester’s lab TA Tony today and he told me that the final was so hard even for the TAs. And even the Professor’s answer scheme contained errors. So hard even the Professor had problems! =.= Tony said I got the highest among all Spring 09 CS61CL students in that final, but I don’t think so. I think he mistook me for somebody else…
I think since coming to Berkeley, I have stopped doing things for the sake of doing it to put on a CV or something. I am practically doing nothing besides my involvement in church and my focus in EECS. Contrast this with my time in high school in Malaysia and Singapore, where I did many things for the sake of it, juggling like 5-6 activities/groups to look good on paper. Thinking back, I think that’s pretty stupid right now. Better to commit to something you believe is worthwhile and enjoyable rather than spread yourself around trying to look impressive. I just felt that teaching, or for now, lab assisting, is something fun for me, though there is indeed the risk of being motivated by the intention to just look “smart” among other people, which is wrong and something which I need to check within myself. Teaching is not something which I might pursue as a career; if that is so then college is the only time I can do such a thing!
—
I recently made the decision to extend my undergraduate studies at Berkeley from the intended 3 years to 4 years instead. From the pace I am going now, I can graduate with a B.S. in EECS in 2.5 years comfortably (due to departmental policies, I could be done with the upper division requirements by sophomore year). But I think I want to stick around, not to pursue another major, but to go broader and deeper into EECS, though I could also double major in something else if I wanted to. But I prefer depth, rather than double majoring and being good at nothing much. Actually this is not just motivated by the opportunity to take many more EECS classes and enjoy university life, but also by the fellowship and discipleship that I am able to experience through the church here at Berkeley. Time flies here at Berkeley, and I want to use this opportunity to also grow spiritually through the strong church community here which I believe is rare.
Recently, I have been harboring the thoughts of going for graduate school. Actually this is very very recent, like two weeks ago. Not Masters, but a Ph.D in EECS. I actually never came to Berkeley thinking that I would pursue anything so “high” as that. Never thought that I could make the cut. Came here with the mentality that Masters would be as far as I would go and then go home early and hope to meet someone and get married before I become too old. Well, that was the mindset which I had when I came. Finish it fast and get on with life. I guess that this is still a very far off matter, but if I were to take it seriously the preparation has to begin now. I am thinking of ditching my intended CS upper division classes for next semester and replace it with EE upper division classes so that I can have the classes needed to participate in EE research in Berkeley, as research is crucial for graduate school applications. I think CS research may be too theoretical for me. So I may perhaps concentrate on EE for now, including Computer Architecture topics, which is like both EE and CS combined.
Some considerations. At the top of my mind is my faith. How does God actually receive the glory from anything like this? I am not sure if I would be pursuing this out of some personal ambition to look like some respected person (after all, it is a PhD, and many people seek to get this degree to simply earn more money, look good, and be the seen as the top of the top) or rather out of a pure interest and pure enjoyment of doing these things. I am still trying to sort out this question in my heart. I really enjoy what I am studying right now, and my only research experience was in Singapore when I conducted research in EE before under Dr. Dennis Tan at IMRE, something which I also enjoyed. Furthermore, what will I be able to do for Him with such a degree? Surely, many things in ministry have been propelled by EECS, for without it communication technologies today would not have existed. No speakers, no microphones, no email, no cell phones, no nothing. But that’s besides the point. It is a matter of the heart. Am I seeking it out of a selfish desire?
Second consideration is well, time. I guess I would have to consider doing a PhD as a job, and not as a student like I am in college right now, for otherwise, I think that 4-5 more years in university would be atrocious. I also worry about age. I am currently 2 years older than those in my year. When I graduate in 3 more years, I would be 23. Dang, I will be old by the time I graduate from grad school. It would probably also mean delaying marriage. But this factor of age is probably not important if I really really enjoy what I am doing, since anyway the primary concern about age would be that most of the people of my age would have “moved on” and “settled down” to other things in life while I am still in school. Perhaps this factor is fueled by my comparison with others. But there also arises the question of where I would be settling later on: after having spent so many years here, would I return to Malaysia? In my heart though, I would like to return home someday for personal reasons. But why would Malaysia need PhDs in Electrical Engineering. Would I even be able to find a job like that in Malaysia? I don’t know.
I guess I have a lot of time to think about it and also pray about it, and of course, God will lead me somewhere definitely, and it might be something radically different. I want to be ready for that, and may God take over the helm of my life. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow…
—
I have something to say about the “Finish it fast and get on with life” statement I made above.
I think many of us, including myself, fail to live in the now and rather live for tomorrow. This is not to say that working hard for a good future and planning ahead is bad (it is crucial, rather, as seen in the story of Noah and the ark), but rather we focus too much on the results of tomorrow and neglect the things that matter most in life right now. It could be relationships with others, work which would be done for God by serving Him now, and just simply reflecting on the beauty of life right now, living in the now and rejoicing in the now even when things are seemingly lacking and could be much better. We humans tend to hold off enjoyment and rejoicing and celebrating until everything seems perfect. “When I am rich, only then will I …” or “When I get married, only then will I be satisfied…” But is it not better, rather, to be content with everything that we already have, including the many simple things in life, and rejoice! Because the fact of the matter is, every day is a gift. I can plan like a fool today and God can say, “Tonight your life is demanded of you.”
He giveth and He taketh away. This is a truth which I think many of us fail to grasp. We are constantly striving an striving and planning and planning and then, we realize that we are really not in control of anything at all. I might die tomorrow, who knows? We struggle about things we long for, but how can we achieve happiness unless we be content in the now and say that “Lord, even if [insert that thing which you wish for] never comes I will rejoice!” Paul says in Philippians 4:4 (while he was in prison due to the Gospel):
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (ESV)
REJOICE! May I be reminded of this daily.
—
(thank you rachel for those kind words. they have encouraged me. may your words be used to encourage many others.)
Topics: General | 6 Comments »
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Hey Ern Sheong. I like ur post =) Living in the now… that’s what I’ve always been trying to do but failed. It’s always working hard to get a good job, going to grad school… u know it’s always that bigger goal in life… the never ending cycle until I find out one day that I’m going to die(hopefully not for a long time)
Anyway, it’s great to see you are finding meaning in your major, your lab assistant job and ur life in Berkeley.
All the best!
July 5th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Ern Sheong!!!! CS so hard for me… takes 15-20 hours a week to finish my assignment. Intro class only-using Java.
*so retarded =(*
Any tips other than practice?
July 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Haha beginning is like that… the only tip is perseverance and ask people when you are stuck. saves loads of time. also, laying out a plan of attack (what algorithm, method to use, etc) before programming might help. sometimes coding with pen and paper before coding directly helps because we have to think before we write it down (rather than typing directly without thinking)
July 18th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Thanks Ern Sheong! I’ve been doing the coding with pen and paper part coz I cannot tahan la tengok the comp 24/7. I debug already stare at it for so long.
So far my assignments are still ok. But I cannot do the midterm. (bombed it) I cannot come up with the algorithm fast enough. =( Now damn scared for the finals man.
More practice with past years?
July 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Yeah don’t worry i bombed most of the tests in my first CS class too… managed to improve in the subsequent ones considerably. so don’t worry if you don’t get it the first time. it is quite expected since we never had programming back in malaysia high school, so perhaps we are at a temporary disadvantage now but you shall soon catch up!!!
practice with past years may help but well professors are not always people who rehash questions and reuse them. be prepared to new stuff but the difficulty should always be in the similar ballpark :)
good luck!!!
July 19th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Thanks for the encouragement Ern Sheong! =)