I am still wondering how I got through this week and came out of it pretty much okay. Three midterms within a period of 2 days– not very fun. Also the fact that I am taking 5 technical classes now this semester at Berkeley and still surviving

It turned out to be pretty good actually, though I was actually feeling a little discouraged since the results seems to be a little worse than expected. But on the brighter side it was really not bad at all and I am happy with the results (thanks to the curve!!!)

I guess that I have come to the stage where indeed everyone is really better than you and so you have to accept that well you did your best and be happy with what you have obtained.

It’s really hard to remain in such a mental state and not feel bad about some stupid score but I think I can start handling it.

For some reason, I was quite down earlier today in comp science discussion where I was really thinking of nothing but to get out of that classroom. Dunno what got me into such a state. All the expectations of myself by myself and others as well as the realization that perhaps it could not really be met.

The main spirit lifter of the week was today in bible study when my group leader Daniel spoke about John 5: 1-1

So the story goes that there was a paralytic who waited by a great pool one day when Jesus confronted him.

The myth at that time was that an angel would come down from time to time and stir the pool, and the first one to jump into the pool when the angel is stirring the pool would be healed of any infirmities.

According to what I thought I heard, modern day examination of the pool’s location would later discover that actually beneath this pool there was some rock that well,  releases some kinda gas from time to time perhaps due to acidic reaction or something. So perhaps the myth came from the fact that the pool was bubbling at times. And also the myth may have developed because it is really possible to heal oneself due to the strong belief that you should be healed. But it usually goes away and the infirmity returns.

Anyway, so this paralytic was lamenting to Jesus that there was no one to help carry him into the pool when the pool was actually stirring.  He did not directly answer Jesus’s question of whether he wanted to be healed or not. In a similar way, we get so distracted and want to apportion blame to everyone but ourselves.

It seems that in life many of us may be waiting by the pool of wealth, fame, reputation, achievement, success, material gain, etc. that we become like the paralytic, believing that the myth is actually true, that all these things can bring everlasting healing and deliverance from our current inadequacies. We are all like the paralytic in some manner. We feel incomplete unless we have achieved that something, whatever that something may be. We feel unhappy and bitter because we are not the smartest or the richest or most admired around.

And of course, the paralytic was not the only one waiting around the pool. There are a lot of other disabled people hoping to be that first person to jump into the pool at first glance of seeing it stirring. Likewise, there are tonnes of people who want to out-compete each other to get into that pool first. You can imagine all the disabled people elbowing each other just to get into the pool first. What different is such a scenario in today’s world. We try to beat each other and be the first and the best and the brightest. Only to discover that being in the “pool” provides some fleeting “healing” and “deliverance” until another smarter and richer guy comes along and puts you to shame. Then the elbowing continues as you try to defeat this new contender. Man such a vicious cycle.

But there is a better way, and I believe that Jesus is the way. He healed the paralytic. “Get up and pick up your mat! Stop wasting time by this pool and go your way!”

Well, I wanted to be some smart-ass guy here at Berkeley, only to be humbled again and again by all the really intelligent people. I no longer want to link my self-esteem to my exam performance or how much I can achieve.

But while this does not mean that I should start slacking off and study less (but instead study harder!), I hope to move toward accepting things for what things are and try to be gracious to everyone instead of adopting that “I’m going to beat you next time attitude.”  As Christians we should always strive to be the best at what we are doing, and always have a good attituce no matter what the outcome may be. We can also adopt a community attitude, to help each other out and not be so bitter about trivial things.

(In case some people interpret this wrongly with respect to wealth, it also does not mean that money is not important. Money is VERY important. Without it you cannot take care of yourself and your family, and you cannot bless others, and you can’t do God’s work and will for your life. I say this because I have received some rather mind-boggling comments in the past telling me to give away the money used for overseas education simply because I am a Christian. That’s not the point. Having money is not the problem, it is the love of money, though there is perhaps more to add to that statement.)

Also, this passage is really applicable to one’s life goals, to work hard for that fame and self-glory or to do something about it so that we do not disappoint ourselves in the end. For one, I really don’t know what I want to do later after Berkeley, but I am not going to worry about it for the moment.

Thanksgiving is approaching, and I realize that no matter how bad we perceive something to be, there is always something to thank God for.

Praise the Lord!

(P.S. Blogging about this does not mean that I am already living out all that is said in this article. I’m still imperfect and I’m constantly trying to correct myself.)