Well recently I read “Mars and Venus Together Forever” written by John Gray, the bestselling author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

Some interesting lessons distilled for the men:

1. When she is frustrated, avoid telling her “You take on too much”, “You shouldn’t be worrying about that”, “It’s not that bad”, “You expect too much of yourself”, “If you are going to complain about it, then just don’t do it”, If you don’t want to do it, then don’t”, “You don’t have to do so much.” Women hear different things though men mean well when they say it.
2. When she is talking or wants to talk, shut up and don’t offer advice or try to solve problems. When she needs to talk, you don’t need to talk. She solves her problems just by telling them to you, so it does not mean that the problem is unsolved if the men shut up. Even if she seems to be demanding for solutions, DON’T GIVE IT TO HER. She will be more upset with you and this makes matters worse. It is wrong for a man to think that by giving solutions they are making her feel better. Doing less, i.e. just listening, is better. When women share problems, sympathy and community are primary, problem solving is secondary. (Looking back, I remember some did indeed get more upset when I try to solve problems and offer solutions without thinking. Men are like that. So we have to rewire themselves. Listening is so important) The writer gave an example of a conversation. The woman did all the talking. All the guy did was say Oh, Tell me about it, Hmmm, What did you do?, Hmmm, That’s good, I don’t know either, Sounds good to me. And the woman was happy. What happens when a man tries to “solve” a woman’s problems: 1. She will claim that “You don’t understand” and “You are not listening.” (ooh, this sounds familiar) 2. He says that he certainly was listening otherwise he couldn’t have come up with suah a great solution. 3. She continues to insist that he’s not really listening to her and he doesn’t understand the problem. 4. He begins to feel frustrated and tries to prove that he does understand and that his solution is right. 5. Argue. “In simple terms, a man needs to remember that even when an overwhelmed woman shares a list of problems that demand solutions, the only one that has to be solved immediately is her need to be heard by someone who is not trying to talk her out of her feelings or solve all her problems.”
3. What a man really wants is to make his partner happy. When she is happy, he feels loved. Men and women are different. A man feels fulfilled when his partner is happy after a long day at work. A woman who returns home to a happy man does not feel fulfilled just because he is happy. She needs communication and nurturing.
4. Women cope with stress through sharing in nurturing relationships, men by solving problems.
5. (For women) Sometimes men need time alone to be by themselves and not bothered by women for a while. Especially after he just comes home from work. Otherwise the following happens: “How was your day?” “Fine” “How did your meeting go with your new client?” “It was OK.” “Did they like your proposal?” “Yes.” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong.” “I can tell something is wrong, what is it?” (says nothing and walks away) That’s why we always have dads who like to watch TV and read the newspapers. They use it as some sorta cave to hide in for a while.
6. When a woman is visibly upset, she means the opposite of what she says. Example- Men: Do you want to talk about something? Women: No (but she means Yes, and if men would really care he would ask more questions.) Men: Is everything OK? Women: Yes (but she really means No, so men have to ask more questions and probe further. The worse thing a man can do here is say “Oh OK then” and walk away.)
7. Doing more so that a woman will have less to do is not the answer to making her happy. “A man needs to remember that her overwhelming feelings are released only through nurturing conversation. Don’t make the mistake of expecting her to be happy by solving her problems.” (this, with No.2, which is essentially the same point, will make all the difference for better relationships, says the author.)
8. Men should duck answering a woman’s direct questions if they are provocative, turn the conversation back to her, and keep their responses to a minimum to draw her real feelings out. This is because “Why do you have to buy a new computer? You already have one,” really means “It feels that everything we do is for you and not me. We always do what you want to do, and you always get your way. I’m afraid I will not get what I want.” So “Honey, it’s the Macbook Air for goodness sake! Small and sleek!” is the wrong answer and you will end up fighting. The author says, “Generally speaking, when anyone, make or female, has a strong emotional reaction, it is to a combination of many elements, not just the subject at hand.” So after you have heard her out, then you can say, “This Macbook Air is at 30% discount! It is a great deal that I have been looking at for weeks!” Get her approval, then go “I understand what you want things for the house, so when we get home let’s look at it and plan. Sounds good?” Of course it does.
9. Does it mean men should not offer solutions at all? No. It is all in the timing. When she is upset she cannot appreciate your solutions. The art in offering solutions is to make sure that she is receptive to attempts to help. Women don’t demand agreement, she just wants to be considered. “A woman admires a man if he has the strength to control his emotions and the sensitivity to respectfully consider her point of view as a valid perspective.” This means men should not do whatever she wants and give in all the time, like saying “Oh OK honey, no computer for me then.” The author also says, “The worst move a man can make in discussions with a woman is to invalidate her feelings.” This is like saying, “What do you know about computers? Who are you to comment about computers? I studied computer engineering you know?!” So as a comedian once said, “Be a man, do the right thing.” No need to be right all the time. Do the right thing instead. The more a man says, the more there is for a woman to question, and the more upset the men become. But for women it is the opposite: the more a woman says, the more she feels heard. In essence, delay answering questions by asking more questions to make her talk more.
10. A woman’s feelings are not facts about the man. She is just trying on many emotional outfits (like the way she shops, she tries on many outfits and then walks out empty-handed but happy). Ooh, and unlike math, negative feelings in reaction to a woman’s negative feelings does not equal positive.
11. How to listen well: Remember that is doesn’t help to be upset with her for being upset. Whenever you feel the urgent need to interrupt or correct, DON’T. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. If she won’t talk, ask more questions till she does. Don’t correct or judge her feelings. Remain calm and lock our gut and strong reactions. (once you “burst out” even once, all your effort is wasted) The author says that during an emotional conversation, a man needs to offer gestures like nodding, hugging and making sympathetic sounds. Maintain eye contact.
12. “The basis of all romantic rituals is a male giving and a female receiving.”

This is getting too long and draggy. And I’m only halfway through the book. But enough food for thought here.

Men and women are very different!