Meekness. Self-control. Love.
I think more highly of myself than I should.
If people knew me much better perhaps they would see me in a different light.
I can be a monster sometimes.
I have an anger problem.
I am too proud.
I have an ego problem.
I don’t love people enough.
I shun people. I am shy.
I am too much of “I”s and not “We.”
I think I am so smart, which is wrong.
Too self-centred, too much “what’s-in-it-for-me” attitude.
And the way I am going, there’s too much risk of being arrogant and not humble enough when I “go higher.”
Fact is, I don’t know where I am going and I don’t know what I want to do. I might be one of the dumbest people around. No direction. Lost.
So am I going to go the way most people are going? Make a fortune, get some fame, etc etc etc.
Ain’t that boring and meaningless?
And to think like that when billions around the world are suffering in disease and hunger?
Ain’t that selfish?
Sure, I hope for a dream, something bigger than myself, something which does not lead to self-glorification or self-enrichment. But while I still seek it and pray about it, in the meantime I follow my own personal agenda.
I read about great people who have walked the earth and I ask God for a vision that I could follow too. Not for my own self, but for others.
I have no clue now.
Ironically, people in Facebook have voted me “Most Confident.” I have no idea why. I am not even confident of where I am going. Groping along, perhaps that describes what I am doing right now.
I recently finished a book called “The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham” and it really taught me a lot on how to live and lead the way Billy Graham did. How to redeem the ego, how to lead with love, how to be meek, and how to draw strength and power from God.
I need to learn how to have self-control. It takes some self-control to brush off incidents when they are not worth fighting over. It takes self-control to not do or say anything back in anger when I am angry. It takes self-control and will to just forgive and forget.
I need to learn how to be meek. Meekness is power with control. I need to learn how to love others with the love that God has poured out on me. We are nothing without love, and not only the romantic sense of the word. To genuinely care for others, that’s more like it.
But, how to fit it all in? Each of us has only got one life. I struggle with the question: “What am I going to do for life?”
I pray, and I wonder if anyone is really listening. Sometimes it seems like a monologue.
Am I weak enough a vessel which can be used by God? He says that choses the weak and foolish in this world to put to shame the mighty and wise. Am I humble enough before God to be used by Him?
Questions, questions, questions.
Answer? Prayer and the Word. And listening from God. Gotta have patience. Be led by the Holy Spirit. But how?
More questions.
*Random*
Mum: Ern Sheong, can you add me in Facebook? My friend got an invitation from her daughter.
ES: You must be kidding me. I am going to be your only friend.
Mum: No, you and this friend of mine.
ES: Urm… No, I won’t. You don’t need Facebook. =.=
It would be very funny when your mum goes “Hi son, add me as your friend on Facebook!”
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Dude, My mum has Facebook
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. funny *points to the comment above* =p dont think moms are so backdated these days ok! =p n why so skeptical about yourself? =( you sound like you’ve having freshman jitters, actually. =S just be yourself!
*hehehe
haha thanks guys. just thinking aloud
I think you’re really hard on yourself sometimes! lol. lighten up! =)
Oi!!!
wth my mum was asleep when this comment appeared
farnee la someone =.=
Haha I know what it feels to not be humble enough. It pains me when someone labels me as humble… because I know that I can still be moe humble. ><
Well, we wouldn’t need Jesus’ work on the Cavalry’s Cross to be righteous with God if we were perfect, would we?
If you want to change these characters, you can always ask God for help, y’know. His way of transforming us can be pretty challenging a task to go through, but it’s a sure-work, provided you press on. XD
“Fact is, I don’t know where I am going and I don’t know what I want to do. I might be one of the dumbest people around. No direction. Lost.”
One thing that was said during the sermon that I listened to last week (and received confirmation in RBC materials that I read months ago) was that God’s calling for us won’t stray far from where we think we are headed in common wisdom. Just as it is logical for someone strong in Computing like me to go into Computing rather than become a full-time ministry worker - God doesn’t call everyone to do that - it is logical for someone who has a desire to start a business like you and a desire to do electrical engineering at Berkely to go ahead and do it. When we look back, we will realize that it is indeed God’s will for us. Having surrendered our will, if we are straying from God’s prepared path, He will definitely lead us back. You won’t notice it until you look back. An example is my university bias. I used to be NTU-biased for my uniersity choice because I thought that NTU was stronger in the fields of computer science. Over the course of two years in NJC, my perception of that changed and by the time it came to apply to university, I applied to both and when I got NUS scholarship offer, I took it up with no qualms.
“And to think like that when billions around the world are suffering in disease and hunger?”
Let’s face it, I don’t cry when I see disabled, poor, prostitutes, and all that kind of people. Call me selfish, but as Paul has said, each of us has different gifts, and mine is definitely not reaching out to the poor. In fact, without revealing too much about my spiritual life here (in public) I believe that my calling will be to take care of people around me, those who are already Christians, to help them deeper into relationship with God and maximize their potential in Christ. As for the Great Commission, my calling is, again, to the people around me, not some obscure people in Vanuatu. Hence, I find it normal to not feel moved by the people I don’t know to the point of living my life for them. Of course I do feel sympathy, just not overwhelming sympathy.
Oh yes, I know that prayer seems like a monologue. I feel that too. It’s not everyday that I sense that God is with me, y’know. More on that when (or if) I blog… but in short, I’m going through a trust-building period right now. Trust is the character that is most difficult to build… even mature Christians will concede that… so yes, it takes time, so keep pressing on!
I like the courage to share your weaknesses and shortcomings… that reminds me that I usually don’t share such things in public. Might “think aloud” soon. =)
Hehe, I won’t mind if Mom wants to friend me on Facebook, provided she knows how to actually use Facebook. XD
@Ome: Hey I want to thank you for the time and effort taken to reply to my post. I thought that no one would actually understand my post. But well, at least one did and gave a very encouraging reply. Indeed what I wrote was all “thinking aloud” but then again I just wanted to unload some burden in my heart.
I just want to say amen to your remark that indeed God’s will for us does not stray too far from what we already have in mind. And you are right in saying that we only realize the grandeur of God’s plan when we look back (and this has been evident in my life for many times now. as I look back, I see and marvel that everything has fallen into place in wonderful ways.)
Hmmm your point that we shouldn’t feel too guilty when we see suffering in our world and feel compelled to do something about it in the large scale made me think. It makes sense too. I shouldn’t be worrying about people in a far corner of the earth who have no food (and can do nothing much about that) and neglect the people around me who have their needs as well. It seems unnatural to just stop everything and go there to help, plus where am I going to get those resources. So yeah maybe in the future when the season is right there would be a stirring in my heart to move in certain directions, and perhaps that would include helping people in the most destitute places in the earth.
Actually to be frank, I think I can feel the HS is with me when I pray. I feel encouraged when i can feel goose bumps as I pray. Most of the time when i make a certain point in prayer, i feel a stronger presence of goose bumps (which i take to be the HS moving or stirring, i dunno, mysterious) (and it ain’t caused by the air-cond I am sure(as some might think), and I do not need to pray in tongues to feel that presence, so amen to that!) So yeah maybe it ain’t so bad as a monologue. At least I know that I am praying the right things when I feel the HS tingling in my body.
Thanks once again for the very encouraging reply
God bless! Have fun in NUS Orientation!
God bless you too!
Orientation starts this Monday, now fighting with all first-years for the modules I want =.=