The “R” Word and Advice for Guys
It wasn’t an intended hiatus, but a hiatus it was indeed. I just happened to run out of blogging juice. Thankfully I am not addicted to blogging 
So my church is having an upcoming youth conference and I am participating in some events:
1) IQ test a.k.a. “How Smart Are You?”
2) Preaching Challenge, preach for 5 minutes, culminating in an altar call (o.O)
3) Word Power Challenge (memorize 60 Bible verses, including punctuation, exactly as printed in NKJV)
Not to mention the upcoming outreach drama at Universiti Malaya this mid-July. I’m acting as the “good guy.” Come and watch yeah!
Also trying to plan a weekend getaway at Genting for my family, perhaps in mid-July too. Well, at least there are things to do for a guy who is now not working anymore in “preparation” for Berkeley.
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Now to the intended topic.
So nowadays at this age of about 20 many of my friends and peers are concerned and wondering about the R word. At the back of their minds, at least. Myself included.
Relationships.
Yeah, the boy girl kind.
Well for me, it’s simple. Going overseas, no need to think about it. But oh, really?
Anyway, let’s explore what I think about it from a guy perspective and what advice I can give to guys:
1) Think commitment. Dating is not a sport. Dating should not be a fun and recreational thing. It should basically lead to a single goal: marriage. Yes, sounds odd given the way everyone is behaving these days. I wonder if most guys out there are even acting based on the premise of commitment, or just for fun to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. Don’t toy with a woman’s heart. Relationships which are not based on commitment are basically doomed to heart-ache and deep scars. The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. My pastor said, “Only a strong man can love the same woman over and over again for the rest of his life.”
2) Self-control. These days if I say that you should not kiss your girlfriend or get involved physically before getting married you would think that I am some bozo. But that is my advice, for any romantic act will eventually plunge you into something more serious, which may lead to unwanted consequences. Not to mention that it displeases God as well. And I’ve heard of the “if we don’t try, how would we actually know?” argument. Well, most relationships which are not based on commitment would fail. So if you get involved intimately before getting married, and the relationship fails, wouldn’t you regret that you have given so much of yourself away? We guys are to treat “older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”- 1 Timothy 5:2 (emphasis mine) Also, “guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”- Proverbs 4:23
3) Be the right one instead of finding the right one. We all know how birds of a feather flock together. If you work on being Mr Right instead of looking high and low for Ms Right, you would find that later on that all of a sudden Ms Rights are appearing around you admiring your Mr Right qualities. A guy who can cook is quite appealing. A guy who can save and be thrift sounds good. A guy who is healthy and doesn’t give himself to cigarettes is amazing too. So is a guy who is organized, punctual and meticulous. Also watch the attitudes. Perhaps it can start with the way you treat your own mother, since that is likely to be the way you treat your girl when you get used to her being around you all the time. Be Mr Right first. Why give your girl something less than perfect.
4) Look beyond the physical. Well which guy doesn’t want a pretty girlfriend? In every guy talk in the yum-cha sessions I go to, it seems that the only topic guys can talk about is this hot girl and that hot girl. It is important the we are also physically attracted to the girl we love, but the things which are seen are temporary, and God looks not at what man sees, for He looks at the heart. Place importance on the unseen qualities which would eventually affect your happiness together in the long term. How does she treat others? What are her beautiful inner qualities? Of course, no one is free from flaws, including us guys. Learn to accept them and stay committed to the same woman.
5) Independence. Here’s a good one from my pastor (and girls can use this line to deflect persistent guys): “You don’t even earn any money yet, and you are still getting allowances from your parents. How can you support me as a girlfriend?” Come on, guys. If we cannot support ourselves financially, how can we support a girl? And it really shouldn’t come from your parents’ allowance. How uncool. Another thing the pastor said the other day, no one in church is supposed to date before the age of 21. A good rule of thumb to make sure that we guys are actually mature enough to handle a relationship.
6) Direction and goal in life. When you commit yourself to a girl, you should have a path and direction set out ahead of you. Why do you want to lead the girl on aimlessly before you have even explored your own inner dreams? If the girl has a plan charted out for her (for example, to be a successful career woman) but you can’t even hold on to a job or cannot meet grade requirements in school, I think you should reconsider your intentions of getting a girlfriend for the sake of being in a relationship. We need logic in relationships too. Manage our own lives first before trying to get involved in the life of another girl.
7) Guys, take the lead. In relationships, guys lead and make the decisions. That does not mean that girls have no say at all, but it means that guys are accountable for the decisions made, and they make it clear that the girl’s opinions are valued. This has nothing to do with gender equality in these modern times, but rather it is the way men are wired by God. Men are inherently born to lead and they are equipped to do so in many ways. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”
8 ) Friendship first. I wonder how many later on can say that they married their best pals. I think many guys today tend to skip this phase of the relationship and jump right straight into the next level, which usually would not last. Friendship is one of the foundations of a relationship, the other being Christ. Now two weeks of friendship is perhaps not a right duration before moving on. You barely even know the person yet! If you did it might be images of her and not the real her! So take your time and observe her before taking the next move. And keep in mind the above points first before acting. But don’t need to rush it.
9) Ask God and trust in His timing! A relationship is ultimately for the glory of God and for His pleasure, not for our own satisfaction and selfish reasons! We need to ask God whether this person is really the one for us, and if not, ask Him to help us cope with the feelings. Pray and ask Him for patience and wisdom. Ask Him to open a path if it is not the season yet. Ask Him to help you plan and prepare your partner. Yes you can pray for her even if you don’t know who she is! Christ must be the center of the relationship, the point of reference, and the foundation of the relationship. Yeah you might have found that someone right now, but if the timing is not right, trust in God’s timing and place your hopes in God, not on yourselves.
10) Men, do the finding. Our sisters are by nature shy most of the time and would prefer it (I think) if the guys take the first move instead. Don’t leave them hanging. If you have done all of the above then why wait and wait? God may have someone in mind for you, but He is not going to tell you and give you a picture of a girl and say, “Hey, she’s the one.” No, guys have to do the finding! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”- Proverbs 18:22 (emphasis mine) Well, it might not always go as planned. Rejections may happen. But stay focused on the Lord you will obtain a favor from Him.
11) Are you really ready? I think that many guys overlook the commitment point when getting into a relationship. Are you really ready to be a husband and a father in the near future? Though these questions are early, I suggest that guys think about it before going into a relationship. I am definitely not ready at this point in time. So it is out of the question, given my studies overseas as well. Look. As I said, it isn’t supposed to be fun and carefree. A relationship should be a serious thing. The Bible has this advice for girls, but I think it applies to guys as well: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (Songs of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4)
Well for a guy who is rather young in age I have a lot to say off the cuff as seen above! Most of the points were only learnt and imprinted on my mind rather recently, through some mistakes at the same time too. I think there are many points which are left unexplored. But hey, feel free to comment, debate and discuss!!! I am waiting for your comments!
For Christian guys out there reading my blog, I recommend reading the following articles which I think models what the book of Ephesians is trying to tell the guys in the way they treat their girls (4 S):
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 1) : Introduction
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 2) : A Love that is Sacrificial
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 3) : A Love that is Sanctifying
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 4) : A Love that is Sensitive
The Christ-like Love of a Godly Husband (Part 5) : A Love that is Symbolic
Another good resource: Boundless.org
The following poem, “A Woman’s Question” by Lena Lathrop,
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life-
And a woman’s wonderful love.
Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might as for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.
You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be as true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.
You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home.
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: “It is very good.”
I am fair and young, but the rose may fade.
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves.
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tied?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.
After reading this poem, the effect on me is the same: It’s a daunting task ahead to prove myself to be worthy of someone’s love.
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heh. i already expected u you to blog something about this after yesterday’s “event”
what event =.=
What event? woah, this could be scandalous! hahaha!
And where did OME go of to?
@xeno: woi what event wei dun simply say ah
You might want to check out my blog that comments on Harris’s book
http://www.ikdg.wordpress.com
I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?
What’s the general argument for Harris’s book anyway? Care to provide main argument and substantiation for discussion?
@kevin: how to sum one one book in a short space? but the general argument is we should look to commitment when dating, and don’t date until we are ready to be committed. go read it la
@steve: interesting discussion there. will check it out
sry guys - yesterday’s “EVENT” was just a teasing session among everyone who was there - nothing else more than tat…yeah so,really no big deal about it lah heh.sry for the misunderstanding ;P
o.O Whoa, I went off blog-hopping a few days and I came back and kena liaoz.
Haha… the 5-minute preaching things sounds interesting… although if I had the chance, I think I would decide to not to enter… it is not for me to abuse God. (Well, if you try to do it on your own for the fun of it that is fine… but if you ask God to suddenly empower you to preach to win… er… that’s abuse. xx At least to me, since from the way I testified to the Oldham Hall students… I let go and let God speak through me, so I know that I am nothing without Him. I am not naturally inclined toward this field. XD; ) Please ar… I am not accusing anyone who takes part in competition, but in my case, if God decides to provide for a certain situation (such as above) it is by His grace… I am not meant to anyhow use it like for competition. xx
Right… on to the points on relationship.
1: Yes, I agree that there is a need for commitment in a true relationship. For me, I think I will go for one relationship, one marriage. Yes, 99% of people said that it is very difficult… I say with God all things are possible.
2: On self-control, I have blogged before on couples who kiss and display… er… what’s the word… physical intimacy… in public. Not something I’d ever look at positively. I’d say that yes… no kiss before marriage sounds real strict… but I think to give the lady the due respect, that’s the way it should be indeed.
Number 3… I think people who God have chosen to be together will automatically land together, provided that they follow God’s will. Hence, be yourself. That’s not to say you should not be Mr Right… you have to… you don’t have to be able to cook or sing or play music instruments because all of us are unique, but be a good husbane. No need to be thrift, but don’t be a spendthrift.
Yes and Amen on number 4… it is always inner beauty that draws me to people. For my girl though, I really wish that God would give me a lovely girl who is beautiful on the inside as well. Best of both worlds. Kiasu XD
5 is a very good point… what a disgrace to be found out that you are wasting your parents’ money (which is not yours) on your girlfriend. What if your girlfriend decides to exploit you? I can tell that one female senior of me did just that. Ouch, what a betrayal.
6: I think this depends on how close you are to God. If you are close enough, you will desire that God’s plans unfold in my life… that is your direction. Add that to a God-fearing wife, and your life is off to a great one, great according to biblical definition.
7: This is biblical… I took on this after I became a Christian… since I have decided to marry a Christian, my wife should have no problem. Now, on to train how to serve…
8: Yes, I very much agree on this one. For some of my best friends who are females in fact, I consider to not mind already, if I eventually promote the relationship from close friend to fiance/e. (They don’t know it. Shh~!) Many will say that it is difficult to walk the fine line between close friend and bf/gf… I am doing that, and I am doing fine. I an loving my close friends very deeply, yet in a platonic, sister-like way, desiring her happiness, not my satisfaction. When I like someone, I’d rather keep her as close friend than to delve into a BGR. At this stage, chances are it won’t last. Well, according to statistics, it *never* lasts.
@Ome:
Ah, finally a “serious” comment!
Haha yeah I think i am not really going there and expect to be some fiery first time preacher to win at all costs. more to see what it is like on the pulpit, and perhaps develop the ability to speak and preach. and perhaps surprise myself
I think I should add the all-important point 12:
Christian guys should only consider a relationship with a Christian, God-fearing girl. “Do not be unyoked with unbelievers.”
OK, non-Christians will see this as some sort of “elitist” and crowding-out point but it makes sense from the point of a believer. No two can walk together is they are not in spiritual agreement.
I would like to respond to point 8 as you mentioned. Yes, to be frank, we guys tend to share more with girls because 1) they are better at understanding and are more sensitive, being wired that way 2)(pastor said this, which is true) guys have ego and don’t really want to share their problems with other guys for the fear of being ridiculed at. Thus we have the scenario where our best friends are girls. Though I must say that it is definitely wise to have a few Godly and non-judgmental guys with whom we can share our troubles, because not everything can be discussed with girls imo. However, I am confused when it comes to drawing the line when it is supposed to be just friendship, as well as the question of motives for being close in the first place. Care to enlighten?
You already know how to speak in public le. Preaching though, gonna be a good learning experience. All the best with preparing your sermon and altar call. XD
No Christian marriage with non-Christians… OMG you do realize that your blog is public! o.O I don’t think I’d ever mention that explicitly on my blog. I mean I did say that I will only marry Christian girls but wow… to make such a general statement takes courage. Anyway, yes, God is clear to us on this point. If we have a choice, we are not allowed to wed a non-Christian. (The only occasion where we are left without a choice is when we have already wed a non-Christian… more important is the command to not divorce.)
Yes, part of the reason that Christian can only wed Christian is spiritual direction. Biblical family can only be formed from biblical parents.
Again, I agree to your analysis to my response to point 8. (Getting confused? =P) Indeed another friend pointed 1) out to me, and 2) is hmm… I don’t know if this is ego, but for me point 2) is matter of trust… I don’t trust (most of) the guys (that I know) and generally, guys’ best friends are guys… statistically, because the trend is guys hang around with guys, and girls, with girls. Maybe this is different for Singaporeans and Malaysians where people might tend to open up across gender more, but in Thailand, this trend is very reliable and prevalent.
Motives… this sounds really un-scientific because motives cannot be proven, but indeed God looks at the heart, and knows.
Re: the argument… On GMail chat soon. =) I’ll try to do what I can. ><
Hi, found this blog through blog-hopping…
Interesting post and extremely earnest…not that that’s a bad thing because relationships are a serious subject and ought to be given proper treatment. Although dare I suggest that they can be fun too? If approached in the right way and in the right time?
Sometimes godly guys (at least the ones I know) can be too focused on the peripherals (don’t kiss, don’t hold her hand for more than 3 seconds and then only if you are helping her cross the road) that they forget that ultimately, He is the only one who satisfies. Falling deeply in love with Him will ensure that your relationships with others are right too:)
I highly recommend http://desiringgod.org , by John Piper who addresses “living singly for the supremacy of God in all things” (paraphrasing, can’t remember the exact words).
PS. By the way, no. 10 is not really true from observation. Girls DO often take the first move, and a relationship isn’t always doomed because of it. And the ending poem, while raising interesting points, does make one wonder whether Lena Lathrop is a 50 year old with waist-long hair who lives in the Bible belt of US and homeschools her 11 kids. “soft young cheek” only reminds this unromantic person of white tofu. Eek.
@Teapuller:
Thanks for commenting! Yeah insightful comments there, and of course as you said the fundamental thing is that we remain focused on Him too in the midst of all these “points.” Easy to just forget that amidst relationships though, so one really needs to set the direction clear from the start. And make a conscious effort to steer to that no matter what.
Hmmm yeah on point 10 it also doesn’t hurt to exhort the guys to “make the first move” instead of dilly-dallying and playing the guessing game all the time. Haha I have no idea who Lena Lathrop is…
Thanks for the link! Will have a look!
Lena Lathrop wrote the poem “A Woman’s Question” quoted in your blogpost. I got the name from there.
@Teapuller: haha yeah but your description of her was like you knew her or something. ok nvm nvm.
wow. good advice u have there! i’m from chc singapore btw.
@an: hey thanks for popping by. to be frank, as a guy who gave out these pointers in my blog, I also need to remind myself from time to time of the same advice. So yeah haha.