Waiting…
It’s drawing near… I really want to get it done and over with and return home… and yet I haven’t even begun…
Well I’m talking about studies in Berkeley, of course (2.5 years?). And then Mum urges me to work in the US (2 years?) for a while and even try do Masters. Nothing is certain now, but if it were to happen, it would be so many years there. When I come back, will I find any friends here or would I be so detached from everyone? Would the bonds of friendship disappear and fade?
Oh wait, what if I don’t… what if I change to much that I don’t retur… No, that won’t happen… I’m gonna come back to Malaysia. I want to.
Everything I dream of seems so far, far away. Is it all but a waiting game? Is it even worth dreaming about? Am I even worthy to dream about it?
And what’s really the point with all the striving? I still don’t know what I am supposed to do in life… Everything seems like vanity to me… Big dreams and all… For what? To be praised and talked about? What’s the whole point of being a “high-flyer”? Everyone wants to be “successful” in the famous and rich sense. But it seems to me that it won’t really matter in the end… vanity, all is vanity.
But then a verse says,
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.
Ecclesiastes 9:10
Everyone says go and embrace God’s will for your life. But what is it? I have no clue. I’m just trudging along finding my way in this lost jungle, waiting to find some path that God might reveal. I really need something to pour my all into, and “die empty”.
And each day I live I find that it is real hard to really be someone patient and slow to anger. I tend to be the exact opposite. It’s a constant challenge and I feel lousy about I because I fail too often.
Anyway here’s a comforting song from Sarah Mclachlan, “In The Arms of An Angel”, which I find rather lovely. Enjoy!
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You’re not alone. I still don’t know God’s will for my life… go read my blog. The entry name’s “Calling”. God gave me a stupefyingly simple and illogical advice, but one that, when I discerned, found to be darn true and obvious.
Don’t worry. Remember that we humans were not originally created to work for Him. We were created to love Him and be in fellowship with Him. That is why loving Him is wayyy more important than trying to figure what He wants us to do… as much as that is difficult to do in practice.
Commit your desires and dreams to God (by that, one way is to tell Him verbally) and wait upon Him. =)
By the way… Your Bachelor takes only 2.5 years? OMG whoa… mine takes 4! Yours must be pretty cramming… Leave your plans open to God’s intervention… We can’t leave out the possibility that God might want you elsewhere (other than Malaysia) but of course, my prayer is that what you desire matches His… sometimes it does.
@Ome: haha as of now i think I want to cram it in 2.5 years, unless some other source of funding besides my parents’ bank account comes in!
yeah sorry I tend to ramble aimlessly all the time don’t i? i think i shud shut myself up and just… just… hope. but thanks for the words of encouragement
It’s good for you to share honest thoughts… I have my own struggles too, and I am not afraid to share them, because I know that through them others who read our blogs may read and see that we are imperfect humans who have our own shares of troubles and storms, but the difference we have is Jesus. It makes everything different.
If the reason to become “famous” is plainly just to get all the glory all the fame and attention then there’s no reason to become famous at all. Justifying an end by the end is meaningless. An analogy: You want to eat an apple not because you want to eat an apple but because you want to savour its taste or to calm your hunger or for its nutritional value. Similarly, you may want to be famous because you believe that it can _____ (e.g. help you in your charitable work or to spread the glories of God or to increase public’s attention to a specific issue like women’s rights).
People often dont understand what they REALLY want to achieve in their endeavours in life and thus get lost in the way.
Perhaps, to non-christian, a life might seem not worth living since there’s no life after death. For me, i look beyond what my achievements can do for myself(cos` all the enjoyment and fame that i get will fade away after my death) and i see what i can do for the next generations. A picture of what my efforts could yield for generations to come keeps me motivated!
@JW: Nice analogy. You explained very well about the famous thing. Great way to put it. Gives new light to that way I see it too! Thanks!
That’s a very good outlook there too. I’m glad that you have a motivation that keeps you going!
I’m still searching for that path that might enable me to actually contribute to the future generations, still very unclear about it. Need to sift away the selfish desires first.
@Ern Sheong: Thanks! I’m very happy that i can be of some help in your journey of self-exploration! It’s great to read your posts too as they offer good food for thought! It’s my pleasure to learn with you and all the other people who contribute to the comments through all these discussions!
I believe you will surely find something that you will be passionate about and will live you life for! I believe that it’s quite impossible for someone to find that lifelong passion if he is not willing to conceive, accept ,evaluate and critque ideas of him and others. I believe this willingness to think through all these tough questions will make us better person!
@JW: Yeah sometimes being too free from all the busyness (like right now) is a blessing. I can’t help but to wonder a lot. Appreciate your comments
Sorry! To add on to my first post:
Oh ya! I think i’ve been rather idealistic by naming 3 things in my “famous example” that are morally good as justification for being famous. Realistically speaking, I believe that THERE ARE people who want to get famous because they want to get a feeling of superiority or they want to be in limelight. These are also justifications. However, if these justifications does not conform to our belief that we should look beyond temporary and fleeting personal gains then we should not accept them. We should then look for justifications that we personally feel that is valid according to our moral standards and maybe personal needs.
These are my two cents’ worth.
Gd nite.
@JW: yes I concur. it is rather easy to get carried away feeling justified in becoming a big name a.k.a. famous when in fact we are really seeking it for our own personal glory. I don’t have all the answers yet. Really, the hardest person in the world to get to know is really one’s own self.