Today (yesterday at time of writing) was my first day on the job as Lab Assistant for CS61CL MTWTh 5-7p lab (unpaid, but I get 1 unit course credit and experience which could prove useful for TA-ing in the future, I hope). I must say that it was pretty intense. I recall in my CS61A lab 2 semesters ago the Lab Assistant was practically chilling during the entire lab, sitting around doing her own stuff. But today I found myself on my feet the whole time, rushing from student to student, checking people off and handling all sorts of queries. My brain had never worked so hard processing code in so little time. It’s like people expect me to look at their code and start making sense of it within moments. Fortunately, though I did not know everything, my job was mainly to help students jog their minds and think for themselves, as sometimes all they need is someone to think aloud to and stand next to them, and after I utter some feedback they mostly respond with “Oh yeah, I got it!” So teaching or rather just assisting in lab is pretty challenging; it keeps you on your toes and one has to be ahead of the material.

I took this class last semester, so that’s why I was able to work in the lab. It ended with one crazy final, which was so tough I left so many blank. I spoke with my previous semester’s lab TA Tony today and he told me that the final was so hard even for the TAs. And even the Professor’s answer scheme contained errors. So hard even the Professor had problems! =.= Tony said I got the highest among all Spring 09 CS61CL students in that final, but I don’t think so. I think he mistook me for somebody else…

I think since coming to Berkeley, I have stopped doing things for the sake of doing it to put on a CV or something. I am practically doing nothing besides my involvement in church and my focus in EECS. Contrast this with my time in high school in Malaysia and Singapore, where I did many things for the sake of it, juggling like 5-6 activities/groups to look good on paper. Thinking back, I think that’s pretty stupid right now. Better to commit to something you believe is worthwhile and enjoyable rather than spread yourself around trying to look impressive. I just felt that teaching, or for now, lab assisting, is something fun for me, though there is indeed the risk of being motivated by the intention to just look “smart” among other people, which is wrong and something which I need to check within myself. Teaching is not something which I might pursue as a career; if that is so then college is the only time I can do such a thing!

—

I recently made the decision to extend my undergraduate studies at Berkeley from the intended 3 years to 4 years instead. From the pace I am going now, I can graduate with a B.S. in EECS in 2.5 years comfortably (due to departmental policies, I could be done with the upper division requirements by sophomore year). But I think I want to stick around, not to pursue another major, but to go broader and deeper into EECS, though I could also double major in something else if I wanted to. But I prefer depth, rather than double majoring and being good at nothing much. Actually this is not just motivated by the opportunity to take many more EECS classes and enjoy university life, but also by the fellowship and discipleship that I am able to experience through the church here at Berkeley. Time flies here at Berkeley, and I want to use this opportunity to also grow spiritually through the strong church community here which I believe is rare.

Recently, I have been harboring the thoughts of going for graduate school. Actually this is very very recent, like two weeks ago. Not Masters, but a Ph.D in EECS. I actually never came to Berkeley thinking that I would pursue anything so “high” as that. Never thought that I could make the cut. Came here with the mentality that Masters would be as far as I would go and then go home early and hope to meet someone and get married before I become too old. Well, that was the mindset which I had when I came. Finish it fast and get on with life. I guess that this is still a very far off matter, but if I were to take it seriously the preparation has to begin now. I am thinking of ditching my intended CS upper division classes for next semester and replace it with EE upper division classes so that I can have the classes needed to participate in EE research in Berkeley, as research is crucial for graduate school applications. I think CS research may be too theoretical for me. So I may perhaps concentrate on EE for now, including Computer Architecture topics, which is like both EE and CS combined.

Some considerations. At the top of my mind is my faith. How does God actually receive the glory from anything like this? I am not sure if I would be pursuing this out of some personal ambition to look like some respected person (after all, it is a PhD, and many people seek to get this degree to simply earn more money, look good, and be the seen as the top of the top) or rather out of a pure interest and pure enjoyment of doing these things. I am still trying to sort out this question in my heart. I really enjoy what I am studying right now, and my only research experience was in Singapore when I conducted research in EE before under Dr. Dennis Tan at IMRE, something which I also enjoyed. Furthermore, what will I be able to do for Him with such a degree? Surely, many things in ministry have been propelled by EECS, for without it communication technologies today would not have existed. No speakers, no microphones, no email, no cell phones, no nothing. But that’s besides the point. It is a matter of the heart. Am I seeking it out of a selfish desire?

Second consideration is well, time. I guess I would have to consider doing a PhD as a job, and not as a student like I am in college right now, for otherwise, I think that 4-5 more years in university would be atrocious. I also worry about age. I am currently 2 years older than those in my year. When I graduate in 3 more years, I would be 23. Dang, I will be old by the time I graduate from grad school. It would probably also mean delaying marriage. But this factor of age is probably not important if I really really enjoy what I am doing, since anyway the primary concern about age would be that most of the people of my age would have “moved on” and “settled down” to other things in life while I am still in school. Perhaps this factor is fueled by my comparison with others. But there also arises the question of where I would be settling later on: after having spent so many years here, would I return to Malaysia? In my heart though, I would like to return home someday for personal reasons. But why would Malaysia need PhDs in Electrical Engineering. Would I even be able to find a job like that in Malaysia? I don’t know.

I guess I have a lot of time to think about it and also pray about it, and of course, God will lead me somewhere definitely, and it might be something radically different. I want to be ready for that, and may God take over the helm of my life. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow…

—

I have something to say about the “Finish it fast and get on with life” statement I made above.

I think many of us, including myself, fail to live in the now and rather live for tomorrow. This is not to say that working hard for a good future and planning ahead is bad (it is crucial, rather, as seen in the story of Noah and the ark), but rather we focus too much on the results of tomorrow and neglect the things that matter most in life right now. It could be relationships with others, work which would be done for God by serving Him now, and just simply reflecting on the beauty of life right now, living in the now and rejoicing in the now even when things are seemingly lacking and could be much better. We humans tend to hold off enjoyment and rejoicing and celebrating until everything seems perfect. “When I am rich, only then will I …” or “When I get married, only then will I be satisfied…” But is it not better, rather, to be content with everything that we already have, including the many simple things in life, and rejoice! Because the fact of the matter is, every day is a gift. I can plan like a fool today and God can say, “Tonight your life is demanded of you.”

He giveth and He taketh away. This is a truth which I think many of us fail to grasp. We are constantly striving an striving and planning and planning and then, we realize that we are really not in control of anything at all. I might die tomorrow, who knows? We struggle about things we long for, but how can we achieve happiness unless we be content in the now and say that “Lord, even if [insert that thing which you wish for] never comes I will rejoice!” Paul says in Philippians 4:4 (while he was in prison due to the Gospel):

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (ESV)

REJOICE! May I be reminded of this daily.

—

(thank you rachel for those kind words. they have encouraged me. may your words be used to encourage many others.)

I was kicked out of dorms about a week ago and have been crashing around. Thanks to the (super) seniors from A2F (Acts2Fellowship) for being so accommodating and hospitable! And now thanks to Mike Lim of Koinonia for allowing me to crash his apartment for the next 5 days! Next time I promise to open up my apartment to temporarily homeless students like myself

Moving in to apartment this Saturday with 3 other guys from church. Going to be some experience, living with three other guys from church. May God watch over us and help us to fellowship and grow together. And finally there will be a kitchen to cook and try new stuff and invite people over for meals

This week I have also been helping out here and there with move-ins and move-outs, which is pretty fun considering that there is nothing much for me to do anyway, besides reading books

This semester has been much better for me academically. Doing less subjects is indeed better. Managed an A in Rhetoric, A+ in Math 54, A- in CS61CL, and B+ in CS70. Not bad lah. Pulled that cumulative GPA up quite a bit. So well it’s not too bad and there’s still room for improvement!

Next semester would be fun and heavy, despite the same number of classes (4). I’m taking CS61B (Data Structures) with the most notorious CS Professor in the EECS Department, Hilfinger, whom one student on Rate My Professor describes as the professor who teaches you how to swim by throwing you into the sea. But the upside is that I may be learning a lot more so I’m taking it despite it being much harder than other professors. I will also be taking Chinese 1AY for dialect speakers next Fall and hopefully this time I will really learn it well, given failed previous attempts. Then there would also be CS188 and CS170, of which descriptions are in “My Berkeley Courses” on the right.

Today for church service we did something different. Instead of gathering all together in a large hall/auditorium listening to the pastor preach and singing to the praise band we split into groups and conducted home churches everywhere around Alameda. I must say that I liked it very much. We started off with a wonderful lunch, and proceeded to a simple worship session and offering. Then we watched a lecture on “Truth vs Lie”, the first of a lecture series. Then we broke into discussions to talk about the lecture we had just watched. After that we gathered at the park to play frisbee! I must say that this is very different from the usual traditional worship services, but it’s wonderful nonetheless, and perhaps even more effective in building community and forging a stronger unity among the body of believers. In fact, home churches are how Christianity began with, before it evolved to larger group settings.

Perhaps the take away question to ask yourself from the lecture today is (also labeled as “A haunting question”):

“Do you really believe that what you believe is really true?”

This question should be asked by all believers of Christ. AND it should also be asked by those who believe that there is no God, or that idol worship is true, or that money can bring you happiness, or that truth is relative, or that human beings came about because of some extraordinary chance or even from apes, or that achievement and success is everything there is, or that the universe and its creation “just happened”, etc etc. Do you really believe that that is really true?

And secondly, just as someone can really believe that jogging is good for him but does not jog himself, are you living in a way which actively applies what you believe or is it just some useless head knowledge that is totally superfluous? What you believe should have direct consequences in how you live.

This question is hard. Do I really believe that what I believe is really true? Do YOU? Don’t brush it away. You don’t want to live a wasted life.

I watched “A Beautiful Mind” today for the second time. Interestingly I first watched it at the place where they shot it, i.e. Princeton, while visiting a friend there. It’s a nice movie, and one of the many things you could say about the movie was the story and virtue of persevering in love. However, I also saw another story in the movie. I thought that all of us can relate to the character of John Nash. He frequently saw three imaginary characters, namely the little girl, his prodigal roommate, and the secret agent officer. He subsequently chose to ignore these imaginary characters, no matter how real they seemed to him, as it was beginning to affect his relationship with his family.

I thought about how all of us perhaps have lots of things going on the mind as we carry out our everyday lives. There are lots of temptations which linger at the border of or within our minds all the time and could cause us to become “insane” and distant from reality if we indulge in them. These things or imagined characters are very much present. It comes in the world wide web in the form of excessive computer games and many other inappropriate websites. It comes in the form of alcohol, sex and drugs. It comes when we are tempted to cheat in order to gain the upper hand. It comes when we want to let our ambitions get a hold of us and disregard the rest so that we can appear at the top. (John Nash in the movie did what he did so that he could, in his mind, receive due recognition for his genius mind). Our minds can create characters which reinforce false beliefs and cause us to lose our grip on reality. We cannot see the truth without a mirror, and that mirror should be reality. Christians would say that the mirror is the Word of God (the Bible). As John Nash did, we have to ignore these deadly characters which can ruin our lives, and this can be done by comparing it to what is real in this world. Eventually, we have to feed what is real and starve what is false. Are you feeding something which is untrue and false in your life? You need a mirror.

After consulting the mirror and comparing with reality, one needs to decide whether to keep the old ways or ignore them in favor of a new life. What this involves is the power of choice. Most decisions, I realized, are decisions between two alternatives. John Nash could choose to continue in his self delusion by obeying the characters of his imagination, or he could choose to ignore them and choose what is real. Life consists of a series of decisions, many of which are between two alternatives. (even if you could choose from a list of ten things, you can go through every item and decide whether you want to include it or not, i.e. 2 alternatives per item) It seems very easy but it is actually very hard, from experience. It is easy to make the wrong choice. In fact, it would take great courage to choose the better of the two, as we could also see from the struggle John Nash had to put through in order to overcome his delusional self and get his grips on reality.

But the beauty of it is that we are not expected to succeed all the time. John Nash failed in his attempts again and again, and when he stopped his medications he went back to his old self. But eventually he changed by choosing to ignore what was false.

We have been saved by grace through Christ Jesus and we are forgiven for our shortcomings. It is the love of God that enables us to pick ourselves up and once again be confronted with the choice of 2 alternatives, so that we can bring glory to God in overcoming our delusions. As the saying goes, love conquers all, and the love of God even more so.

Well technically they say it’s Singapore food but Satay and Nasi Lemak are more Malaysian lah. I bet Singaporeans don’t know what nasi and lemak means (no it is not fragrant coconut)

SO YUMMY. LONG TIME NEVER EAT ALL THIS MAN.

Singapore Street Food – May 7, 2009

Gado Gado (Vegetable Salad with Peanut Sauce)

Achar (Nonya Vegetable Pickle)

Chicken Satay (Chicken Skewers with Peanut Sauce)

Laksa (Rice Noodle in Coconut Gravy)

Fried Hokkien Mee

Nasi Lemak (Fragrant Coconut Rice)

Sambal Udang (Shrimp Sambal)

Spicy Long Beans

JOM DINNER AT CAFE 3!!!

A music video made by the Gracepoint Fellowship Church freshmen for all the staff who worked so hard to make GLive happen.

I’m going to miss Freshman year… It’s going to be over very soon and new Freshies are coming in, and I’ll be a Sophomore! Time passed pretty fast…

Enjoy!

PRAISE THE LORD! It was so awesome!

I was from City Harvest Church KL and Singapore for over 2 years before coming to Berkeley. I must say that when I was there it felt good. I felt spiritually fulfilled. But later I came to Berkeley and looked back at the kind of gospel City Harvest was teaching, I felt kinda disgusted.

Something provoked me in my heart in the past every time someone goes up on stage to give a testimony in City Harvest KL and Singapore. The story always goes like this: they pledged a large sum of money to the church and gave sacrificially to the church (something which I am not against, but would encourage every believer to give genuinely and to give more, and this is a challenge for myself too), but then they add that God blessed them and they bought large houses, new luxurious cars (BMWs, Lexus and Mercedes, etc) and then they praise God for all that He has done in their lives.

Surely Jesus was not rich with luxuries, and he did not live a luxurious life.

I came to a much more traditional church in Berkeley called Gracepoint Fellowship Church with a very strong community of faith and living out of the Word, which challenged me a lot since I came from City Harvest. But later on my eyes came to be opened that the Prosperity Gospel preached by many churches in Malaysia and Singapore right now (they are growing exponentially) might be the wrong false teaching that the Bible was warning all of us about. It is no surprise that such churches are growing like crazy, given the promise of prosperity in their lives. You can be saved and seek riches at the same time, who wouldn’t want that?

Today I was curious what was being preached in City Harvest KL recently. I wanted to verify and see whether CHC KL was really a Prosperity Gospel church. I went online and heard John Avanzini’s preaching over the last weekend, entitled “The offering that God must multiply back to you“, dated  ”18 Apr 2009″ on the website. This very sermon is like the epitome of Prosperity Gospel teaching. Just listen to it. This sermon is the thing I have been hearing over and over again over the past 2 years, in one way or another, in the church. It sums up the Prosperity Gospel very succinctly, and now having heard it all over again, I am feeling disturbed about the Prosperity Gospel. The more surprising thing was: I was there for two years! If this sermon were preached in my church right now in Berkeley, everyone would have walked out or felt strongly against the sermon. It’s so different, the versions of the Gospels being preached.

I had problems with the following statements: “Jesus is rich” , “God will multiply back your offering to you”  or “if your life doesn’t work out the way it should, there is something wrong with your giving” (not verbatim) and many many more in the sermon. Notice that he also quotes the Bible in everything that he says. The Bible can be quoted to support both ways, but ultimately I know that there is only one truth.

Now, I am not saying that God does not bless His children and His people. I am also not saying that if you are rich you are not in God’s will. But in the sermon you notice that the preacher is encouraging a desire to be rich and to give offering in such a way that “helps” you get more and more from heaven. In other words, giving in order to receive much more from God, not giving simply because I love Christ and want the money to work in the lives of many in the church and outside the church, for the love of the people.

I am also pretty provoked by some sort of race happening in Singapore (and even in Malaysia) right now among churches to have the largest congregation, and to build the largest or most state-of-the-art looking churches in the “marketplace.” When I left CHC Singapore, they were in the midst of raising funds for a very large stadium! Another church in Singapore is also moving to built a multimillion dollar shopping center in Bueno Vista in which they will also house their church auditorium. It might not be wrong, but I just feel that there is something provoking in my heart about it. Why the need to be showy and be seen like that in the marketplace? (Oh yeah, I heard the arguments before in CHC Singapore. But does it capture the humility and message of the Cross most effectively?)

I open this for discussion. Comments welcome. Let’s discuss this.

Math 54 Professor (Vojta) while teaching about complex solutions to differential equations today:

“Life is complex, it has a real part and an imaginary part.”

Hmmm…

The weather, I mean.

33 degrees Celcius in Berkeley right now! (sweating as I type this)

Shows me how long I have been away from home (it’s normal to have 33C in Malaysia)

SO HOT!

I’m feeling very drained and lethargic this morning. I just don’t feel like doing all this striving in school anymore.

It’s routine, mundane and unexciting. Let them win. I don’t care. I’ve been stuck in this rut for the past 15 years of school life. What am I doing in school for so long anyway? Academics are overrated. Let them get their 4.0s, I don’t care. I stopped striving doing so much stuff in Berkeley, not for the resume anyway. Sick of that chase.

I go to church and it seems like there are more important things than academic success. But Monday comes and everyone lives as if that “more than just academics” message just got thrown out of the window. Everyone is just so caught up in homework, midterms, finals, papers and projects. Sadly, I’m in this stupid game too, and cannot get out of it. I’m beginning to think that what I am studying now is a drag, sometimes.

I need to escape… from all this crap.

Maybe all I need to remedy this lethargy is some physical body punishment — exercise.

Well it’s already past Sunday midnight but anyways, Happy Easter!

Today I was very touched in church service when a group of about 30 people went up one by one saying a line which begins like this:

“One of these days….

“… I can stop worrying about life and providing for my family for there would be abundance in heaven.”
“… I can stop comparing myself to my peers and trying to outdo them for in heaven there is no need to outshine people.”
“… I can stop worrying about career and how people perceive me.”

One of these days… when we see our Savior face to face.

For me it would sound like: One of these days, I can just stop struggling between the tension of serving myself and serving Him and simply give everything to Him.

Then my reaction would be: Why not give it all now? It’s a hard question. If the Bible and what is says is true, it would have serious implications on my life. Everything changes. No longer can one serve himself by pursuing high flying careers for it would be a selfish life and serving Money as well. No longer should one seek high positions of fame and power and authority to fill one’s greed for such things, to simply look good and be respected. I still struggle with these things. Giving it all is so hard… As a college student, it’s easy to give all. I have nothing right now. Just money in the bank for survival and a couple of possession in my dorm room. The real test comes later in a few years…

I am very honest. I can be Christian and have some tension inside me as well. Christians aren’t perfect. Christians are like you and me. Broken and sinful in nature. All wanting to rebel against the Almighty God who created us.

Pastor Ed told a story today. One lady who lived lavishly on earth died and went to Heaven. The angel welcomed her and escorted her through the gates of Heaven. She saw streets of gold, and everything was magnificent. But the angel brought her past the nice part of the city to the outskirts of the city, to a small hut which can barely fit her. She was angry and demanded, “Why am I being placed in such a small and drab place!?” To which the angel replied, “I’m sorry, but this was the best which we could do with the treasure which you sent up to Heaven.” (I want to clarify that he meant this story as a joke, and not some theological argument.)

Maybe life is about storing treasure in heaven instead. But most people seem to be doing the opposite, but would they regret it later?

G-Live I was acting/dancing in the Freshmen Skit. It was a fun and funny skit, but it’s meaning is profound. It touched three aspects which students in college face in life. Romance (non-committal relationships), success (money and position) and escape from reality (online gaming, etc). Many of us seek happiness through these things, but would these things eventually bring us happiness in the long run? You should answer it for yourself. That’s the truth. But would you act on the truth?

That’s the hard part.

Also on Youtube.

This video resonates with me. The longer I live, the more I realize how hard life is…

“But don’t give up. Persevere, one day at a time. You’ve been given this one shot at life. And though you’ve got regrets and sorrows, hope still prevails. Stop dwelling in the past and look ahead…”

This week was a crazy week. How I managed to sustain through it is purely by God’s grace and strength.

Started coughing for some reason on Tuesday night, and this grew to be a very bad cough and a mild fever by Thursday. By Friday I was “dying”. On Saturday I wanted to faint as I walked. The body was so weak and the coughing made my throat so painful.

Throw in the G-Live Freshmen skit run-through on Wednesday night (took up almost the entire night), a midterm on Thursday (the following) morning, hours of flyering under the sunny Californian sun for G-live on Sproul and Northside, and G-Live itself on Saturday (3 showings). And also throw in the very hurting fact that I left my Macbook in Dwinelle’s bathroom Wednesday at 10 am because I was careless and rushed off to class only to ask myself after discussion section, “Where in the world is my laptop?” Went back to the bathroom to find it GONE.

Today (well, yesterday i.e. Saturday) was the G-Live performance, and before the first show @ 11 am, my throat was so bad from all the coughing that I sorta lost my voice. But somehow I managed to pull the lines and my croaky voice somehow managed to add to the effect (I was a FOB (fresh-off-the-boat) dad, meaning a dad which speaks a very Chinese kind of English) And after the dancing and all that I was feeling so sick I just collapsed and slept on the floor after lunch. Second show @ 3 pm was not too bad, no lines and only dancing (we have two acting casts), but after the intense dancing my throat was burning (I think it was because of the singing while dancing and the battle cry of the last dance) and some intense migraine attacked my head. So painful. In the meantime I was pumping loads of Vitamin C into my body…

Then things began to change. Before the last show of the day @ 7 pm I checked my phone and got a voice message. A guy had found my laptop in Dwinelle and would like to arrange to give it back to me. I was shocked, since I already accepted the fact that I had lost my Macbook and resorted to using back my old Dell. I even managed to redo the CS project which was stored on the Macbook since I did not back up my data. But now I am getting the Macbook back. Speechless.

Then before the 7 pm show somehow I just got back my voice to a fuller extent. A mild headache was still there, but my condition improved drastically. That 7 pm show was powerful. We were all so pumped up about it being the last show, I think we nailed it in the last performance! It was so awesome! And so were the sophomores, juniors and seniors. Wonderful skits! We were all going crazy about how well it went! Not to mention the staff and technical crew who are not seen on stage (duh!) It wouldn’t have happened without you guys! They are an inspiration to me, pouring out so much.

To top it all up, despite not fully preparing for this midterm I want to thank God because for some reason or another I managed to score a 98% in my 100 point Math midterm on Thursday this week (2 points lost because I forgot a square root >.<) but I expected to lose much much more points. Praise God! I was so shocked when I got the results. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it made my day on Friday. Going to office hours to ask all kinds of questions for many prior weeks does help, I guess.

If there was such a thing as spiritual battle in the realm of the unseen I think this week was really it. G-Live was all about spreading the Gospel and for God’s glory, and in such endeavors Satan does all that he can to stop us from glorifying Him. But with His strength, we can be victorious. I did not fight this week alone. Many prayers sustained me. Conrad, my small group leader, took me out to dinner at a chinese restaurant on Thursday night (fried calamari and chicken, yummy!) after hearing about my laptop and the tough week I was going through. Sarah Chu was so happy that I am getting my laptop back as she had been praying about it and for me too. And also thanks to Kenneth for praying for my worsening health during the week. Thank you to all of you and others who prayed and helped me through this very difficult week.

ALL GLORY TO GOD!

*** Oops, all reservable seats ran out. But not to worry! Guests without tickets will be admitted starting 15 minutes before showtime on a first-come, first-served basis, and there will be overflow seating available in a secondary auditorium. ***

It’s a major theater production called Gracepoint Live and themed “Undo”. I’m acting/dancing @11 am and 7 pm this Saturday! Or just come to the 3 pm one as well! Come and support!

Featuring dancing, acting and thought-provoking drama which everyone can relate to. You won’t regret coming!

Sign up for free tickets online!

Yeah, that’s what I heard. So give me a holler here if you bumped into my blog (or read it from time to time) and got into Berkeley!

Tell me your intended major and where you are from!

Also, just holler if you got into other universities too!